There is a common trend in my generation – I am unsure if it was present in generations past as clearly, I was not here for them – where it is ‘cool’ to be against having a big wedding and sometimes against having any sort of wedding at all. The preferred and popular diction is that the wedding industry is a scam, weddings are a money pit, and it is best to have a civil wedding with a small brunch and use that money for a house or a trip for the couple later. It all sounds quite financially sound, truly. However, I have a few qualms with this method of thinking.
Personality Matters: Big Weddings Aren’t for Everyone (And That’s Okay)
The truth is that there are always different personalities of people. Just like there are extroverts in the world, there are also introverts, there are vanilla lovers and chocolate lovers, and there are people who enjoy big weddings and people who truly do not. I am not advocating that people go into debt because of a wedding – always cut your coat according to your size. In the same vein though, people who enjoy big celebrations should not be made to feel intellectually enslaved for their preferences.
The Flaw in the “Financial Prudence” Argument
Many times when people speak about these big weddings versus small wedding debates, one of the loudest arguments used is the financial savings aspect. This is an argument I have a problem with. I understand that when you live in a certain financial bracket you assume that everyone else lives there with you. However, many people do not. A lot of people can afford more things than you can. That’s right! Reread that and let it sink in. A lot of people are richer than you and I are. It is not an affront, it is a statement of fact – one that many people have the hardest time embracing.
Hence, telling someone with an annual income of 200k who is marrying someone with a similar annual income and have both parents sides willing to support the wedding where both parents have been practicing physicians for decades, that they need to be financially frugal is truly tone-deaf. It is tone-deaf to ask someone who cannot afford rent to come on a luxury vacation with you and in the same vein it is tone deaf to tell someone whose disposable income is greater than your annual income that spending said disposable income is a waste of money.
Cultural Context: Why Weddings Mean More Than Money
Personally, I come from a culture of big weddings. Nowhere near as big as Indian weddings, but nowhere near as small as what American weddings consider big. Culturally, while the bride and groom might pay for a big chunk of the wedding, they are supported by friends and family in more ways than one. Yes, for some families in my culture the parents pay a significant amount but it goes beyond that. While getting married, I was surprised at the amount of people who would simply say “oh I heard you were getting married. Please send me your bank account information so that we can support you”. I could argue that a third of my wedding was paid for that way. Granted, one should not rely on these expectations, and should be able to afford what they want where every additional dollar added is a gift that can be used for something else. Regardless, I still mention it to say that it is not always all on the couple to pay for their weddings on their own.
Growing up in the African culture, weddings have always been one of my favorite social events. I love the colors, the music, the food, the joy, the celebration, and the happiness all around. I love dancing to the music at the end of the day, watching the couple have their first dance, meeting aunts and uncles I haven’t seen in years. African weddings are also one of the top five ways single African adults meet their future spouses, so it was quite entertaining to partake in the dating rituals when I was unmarried, and it is quite entertaining to watch them now after getting married.
Whilst planning my wedding stressed me out significantly because planning an event for upwards of 200 people involves a lot of moving parts and takes a lot from you, I still truly enjoyed the day. I am not an extrovert by any means and quite prefer for attention to be off of me but despite this, I still had a swell day celebrating with family and friends who had come from far and wide to celebrate the love between my husband and I. It was the last big event my father was at before he passed and I am glad that he got that opportunity to celebrate with us and his friends in that way.
Now, what if I had used it to go on a trip. Honestly, I do not know because after the wedding my husband and I still went on a mini-moon and a proper honeymoon after. None of them were ultra luxurious but in each of them we made memories to last a lifetime still. What if we had used that money for our education or to buy a house? Well my husband started grad school a few months after and I was still in grad school. And after we both graduated we still managed to buy our first home and do all the things we want to do. I do not consider us remarkably wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that if I said that I would skip the wedding which I desired in order to be ‘fiscally responsible’ in a manner that doesn’t apply to me I would have always regretted it. Because I love those memories, I love those pictures, I loved having my family around me, I loved the events leading up to the day, I loved living in the bridal glow and I loved everything that comes with it.
Therefore, dear brides and grooms to be, do what you want to do. Do not let popular social edict determine how you choose to mark your biggest life events. Because just like it is currently cool to have small weddings or skip the wedding completely, one day that will no longer be cool and you will be wondering if you made the decisions you made because you truly believe in them or because you had been accultured into believing in them.