Sometimes it feels like everytime that I return here, it is to say some variation of how life has been life-ing in the interim. In the time that I have been gone, I have been so blessed to have had my baby shower and gotten to spend time hosting my family in my home.
The Dream That Got Us Here
These are things that I had previously only day dreamed about. I had daydreamed about having enough space to be able to hold my entire family in. Day dreamed about having the energy in my pregnancy to be able to cook enough food to welcome them (not that it was expected of me but because it was what my heart wanted to do). And from the moment I first started thinking of getting pregnant, I have thought of a baby shower. I don’t want to say that I have “dreamt of it” because it is not necessarily something I ever saw in my dreams or prioritized to that level. However, it was a thought that tickled me and excited me. And getting to live through it was truly a dream.
The Backstory
I got married when I was about 25ish 26 years old. And at that point, my life was not truly my own. Or it may have been but I did not have the means or the voice to do things the way that I wanted regardless of whose ox was gored along the way. So my wedding just ended up being a lot of things happening. I still have many regrets about that day but I try not to dwell on it. Instead, I dwell on the sheer joy that I felt that day. Joy to finally be done planning. Joy to be going back to my regular life after that. And joy upon the actual realization that after this day, this man and I were officially official and were a whole entity in God’s face. The thought of it now still exhilarates me.
After my wedding though, every time that I have done an event for myself, I have done exactly what I wanted. It might not be the most planned, especially down to the minute detail but it was mine. It represented what I wanted, what I cared about and what I wanted to achieve. For my graduation, I had a brunch with my family and friends after at a cute little restaurant (with not the best food) but I felt so celebrated.
I was once listening to the I Said What I Said podcast, and one of the hosts had bemoaned how all of our events are exact templates of each other and how that is so telling of the social media generation. This is how bridal showers should look and this is what we need to do during said showers and this is who we need to invite. This is how birthdays should be celebrated, and this is how it needs to be done so that the world believes you are loved. However, we need to have more events that feel more like us. If you are an artsy person, I would expect an artsy event. If you are an introvert, I would not expect a big wedding after-party at the end of your ceremony. If you are a spirit led Christian, I would not expect a club night for your thirtieth birthday party and you should not feel compelled to do that.
The Actual Day
And in some way shape or form, I have internalized that subconsciously. Living in Houston, a lot of events can truly get over blown. For my baby shower, I really just wanted to have some of the people I loved and enjoyed under one roof in a very chill, stress-free, no obligations sort of environment. I did not want just women playing games, not that there is anything wrong with that. I wanted my friends, my acquaintances, my colleagues, my family and all the folks I enjoyed to come and hang out. And it was truly just that. It was so beautiful for me to behold even though it truly is such a simple thing. If you listen to me effuse about it, you would think it was some grand affair. But it was for me.
The Big Picture
Every moment that I get to watch my husband and I living the life that we once dreamed of, I can’t help but pause and take it in and tell God a big big thank you. Thank you for this moment. I do not know what I have done to deserve to be surrounded by such intense love. Because I am human, and I am reminded of that quite often. I fall short time and time again. Especially now in the third trimester when I see my phone ringing and just watch it ring because I can’t think of anything I would hate more at the moment than having to speak to another human being and fake pleasantries or interest.
In this season, life is hard. Life is hitting me with vicious fervor.. Last month was tough. We received news that was not necessarily life wrecking but it was ground vibrating. I was forced again to reach to God for every breath. And when I tell you “every breath”, I literally mean every breath. But one thing about God is that his goodness and his mercies are new everyday and he says that he will never depart from us so we truly need to believe that and walk in it.