I’ve noticed a lot of chatter on social media and in millennial circles about “showing up for others.” It might just be the stage of life we’re in—a time when this issue feels universally relevant. Most of us are finally out of college, and the synchronized rhythm of our lives has faded. We’re no longer all in the same classes, applying to grad schools, or rushing to the same football games. Instead, life is unfolding at different paces and in vastly different ways for each of us.
Some are getting married for the first time, while others are navigating divorces. Some are welcoming their first child, others their third, and some are coming to terms with the fact that they don’t want children at all. Some are climbing the corporate ladder, some are launching businesses, and others are struggling to find their footing. Life is no longer a shared timeline; it’s a mosaic of individual journeys.
And that’s exactly what makes the conversation about “showing up for others” so tricky.
The Challenge of Showing Up
Back in my early post-college days, showing up for others in terms of time was relatively easy. I was working a regular 40-hour job, living alone in my apartment, and had plenty of blank spaces in my schedule that I was eager to fill. Financially, though, it was a different story. I had just enough to meet my own needs and plan for the future, but not much to share.
Now, in this new phase of life—post-graduate school, working my “big girl” job, married in a two-income household, and expecting our first child—things have shifted. If you ask me to show up financially, I’m more than willing. “Here’s the money. Keep the change. I’ll be praying for you.” But if you ask me to show up with my time? That’s a whole different story. Some days, it takes everything I have just to roll out of bed and make it to the restroom.
The Complexity of Female Friendships
These conversations about showing up often come up in female friendships, and many perspectives are overly simplified. You hear stories about how someone went above and beyond for a friend, only to feel hurt when the favor wasn’t returned. Sure, sometimes the other person is selfish or inconsiderate. But more often than not, they’re simply not in a position to show up in the same way.
You might understand their stressors on a factual level, but unless you’re living it, you can’t fully grasp the reality of their situation. And that’s where expectations can lead to disappointment.
The Handshake vs. The Domino Effect
What I’ve found helpful is to stop thinking of showing up as a “handshake” and instead view it as a line of dominoes. In the handshake model, Person A shows up for Person B, and then Person B is expected to reciprocate. It’s a transactional approach that puts immense pressure on a single relationship and leaves little room for life’s inevitable complexities.
But with the domino effect, it’s different. Person A shows up for Person B, who feels supported and uplifted. Instead of feeling obligated to return the favor directly, Person B pays it forward by showing up for Person C. Person C, in turn, does the same for Person D, and so on. It’s a ripple effect of kindness that extends far beyond the original act.
The Benefits of the Domino System
The domino system has two major benefits:
- It preserves friendships. By removing the pressure to reciprocate directly, it prevents resentment and disappointment when life gets in the way.
- It builds community. Instead of focusing on one-on-one exchanges, the domino effect encourages us to extend kindness beyond our immediate circles, creating a broader network of support.
In many ways, this approach aligns with the Christian perspective. As the Bible says, we’re called to “go and make disciples of all nations.” The domino effect mirrors this by encouraging us to reflect God’s goodness outward, reaching people we might not otherwise encounter. It also frees us from the weight of feeling wronged or burdened by unmet expectations.
Conclusion
One thing that makes life easier for me is the absolute certainty that, because I serve God, help will always come. It might not come from the source I expect, but that’s not the fault of the person I hoped would show up. Life is unpredictable, and everyone is navigating their own challenges. By embracing the domino effect, we can show up for others in a way that’s sustainable, meaningful, and free from the weight of unmet expectations.